How to help your child with School Anxiety

A guest post written by Becky Goddard-Hill.
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It can be so upsetting when your child is experiencing school anxiety and as a parent you just want to take it all away from your child. Maybe they are struggling to sleep, worry all evening when they get home about the next day or are tearful each morning. However it manifests, having a child anxious about school can become all-consuming in all your lives.

Reasons for school anxiety

There can be many reasons for school anxiety including:

• Bullying
• Lack of confidence
• A clash with their teacher
• The school work is too hard
• Feeling homesick 
• Struggling with friendships

And, unless your child articulates to you what is going on, it can be difficult to unpick  quite what is making them anxious. It is very hard to address a problem if the problem is undefined.

Step 1 – Define the issue: 

There are a number of ways to do this, 

1. Be observant to what your child is or isn’t telling you about who they played with, had lunch with, how they feel about their teacher, how they are finding maths, etc.
2.  Ask your child a few key, light-hearted questions – this can really help them open up. Don’t interrogate them though. If kids feel put on the spot they often clam up, but if you ask whilst you are baking together, colouring together, walking side by side they should feel relaxed and comfortable. 
3. Talk to their teacher – tell them what is going on and ask them what they think. If they have not noticed anything ask them to keep a close eye for a few days and report back. They can be your best ally. 

Step 2 – Explore LOADS of options to make things better 

Once the issue is defined, sit with your child and write the issue in the middle of a big sheet of paper . Do define it positively.  So, rather than ‘I have no friends’ you would put ‘make more friends and rather than’ school work is too hard’ you would put  ‘How to learn more easily’ in the centre. This is all about being solution focussed and creating achievable goals.

Try and make this pleasant and be relaxed and positive. As parents we can be too empathic, absorbing all our children’s emotions and becoming anxious and stressed too.  Get yourselves a hot chocolate and use all the coloured pens. Problem solving can be fun. Surround your defined issue with tons of ideas. If it was a friendship issue you might write

• Join an after school club
• Invite X back for tea
• Smile more
• Ask my teacher to put me in a new group
• Take in a ball  for break time
• Ask Z if you can walk home with them

Step 3 – Make and action a plan (start small) 

Once you have loads of ideas written down on your page come up with a plan with your child to pick the one they are going to try first. They might want to start small so they aren’t overwhelmed and that’s fine. Try not to control their choice – respect where they want to begin.

Decide together when and how they are going to do this and encourage them enthusiastically. Encourage them to see problem solving as an experiment and a challenge. Not everything will work but it is worth trying lots of things till they find what does.

Step 4 – Reflect and if necessary try again or try a different option

Encourage your child to feedback to you what’s occurring and whilst hearing their pain and offering support do remain positive.  If it has worked then celebrate too! It’s a life skill for a child to learn to be a problem solver rather than a dweller and it is definitely worth investing your time in this.

Empowering kids

Of course we need to hear and comfort our kids when they are anxious and sometimes step in and resolve their issues. But, if we can empower kids to become problem solvers they will have way more confidence and feel far less anxious generally in life. Then when the next challenge comes along it shouldn’t overwhelm them and they should have a path for dealing with it firmly in place. 

About the Author – Becky Goddard-Hill

Becky is a children’s therapist and wellbeing author. Her latest book is an activity book for 6-12 year olds called Create Your Own Calm. The activities are fun and engaging and bring hours of entertainment whilst also teaching kids ways to manage their big, uncomfortable feelings such as fear, anger and anxiety. 

Becky can be found blogging at Emotionally Healthy Kids  and A Beautiful Space, Her previous books include the best-selling Create Your Own Happy  and her happiness book for teens Be Happy Be You, All her books are available from Amazon & Waterstones.