When self-doubt strikes..

I’m having one of those evenings. I’m tired, feeling particularly grumpy after a busy week at work and I have a blog work to-do list longer than a queue for the latest big ride at Legoland but I feel unmotivated and full of self doubt. I only wrote last week that my pregnancy hormones hadn’t really affected me much but boy, was that a bit premature as they have well and truly hit towards the end of this week and I feel rubbish. 

Self doubt is a huge stumbling block for me. It usually hits when my confidence is low and I’m feeling stressed but this week it just feels overwhelming. My confidence is low because I’ve gained weight (I know I’m pregnant so it’s inevitable really), I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes (how limiting are maternity clothes) and huge milestone events are happening around me that I don’t have any control over and I’m just overplaying them in my head and making mountains out of molehills.

Olly is starting school next week and we are dreading it. He’s refusing food already (which stems from the fact he doesn’t want to eat lunch at school as it’s a cooked dinner provided for them) and with last years problems with getting him to pre-school, we are reluctantly anticipating the same thing happening all over again and it’s worrying. His behaviour over the last two weeks of the school holidays has been challenging; getting tearful over silly things, answering back and being cheeky (not in a cutesy way) and pushing boundaries. I know children pick up on their parents feelings and emotions so I’m really trying to be confident and be positive about it all when he’s around but secretly dreading it. I’ve booked a couple of days off work so I can take him to school and be there for him when it’s time to pick him up. I’ve got everything crossed that he comes out of school with a big smile on his face but I am really looking forward to next weekend already.

We had our mid-term anomaly scan this week and we saw baby boy again. He was being a little monkey and was lying in a funny position so the sonographer couldn’t get the measurements she needed. We had the last appointment of the day which I’m pretty sure didn’t help us as she asked us to come back next week for a repeat scan instead of asking me to drink something cold or do star jumps to help move him. But, we did see baby boy with his hand up by his face and it was lovely to see him on the screen and see his heart beating away.

After reading my maternity notes when I got home, I was annoyed to see that the sonographer had made reference to my high BMI and not being able to complete the scan because of it. Something she made absolute no reference to during the scan whilst we were there. Granted, a lot of the measurements couldn’t be completed due to baby boy’s position but the sonographer didn’t even try to get the measurements she is blaming my BMI on. I feel awful, I feel like I’m already failing my baby boy and it’s definitely added to my low confidence and overwhelming feeling of self doubt this weekend. Although I’m not going to lose three stone by next week’s repeat scan, I hope I get a different sonographer who can work their magic and get the measurements they need.

I’ve had a couple of blog work issues this week that have made me doubt myself. I’m probably being ridiculous (thanks hormones) but it’s made me question my dream for being completely self-employed. It’s a dream I hope to realise once my maternity leave is over next year but there’s always that element of what if? I know I’m questioning all of this because my confidence is low and I’m feeling rubbish. I’ll be damned if I let my hormones get in the way of a dream that I’ve had for such a long time.

I know my feelings are probably the result of my pregnancy hormones ramping up as baby boy gets bigger and stronger and so far, I think I’ve got off quite lightly with them so it’s only inevitable but it doesn’t make me feel any better. So pregnancy and milestone weeks are a bit shit when they collide together aren’t they? Sometimes a good (irrational pregnancy hormone fuelled) cry and an early night can do wonders.. let’s hope so!

Edit: I wrote this post last night and didn’t share it as I was a bit emotional and thought I was being silly. Today, I’m feeling better having had a good day with family but I still feel nervous for the week ahead. Fingers crossed it’s not as eventful as we anticipate!