How to Decide Whether or Not You Want to Have Kids

Collaborative Post 

Deciding whether or not to be a parent is top of the most important decisions you will probably make in your life. And in a world where the unspoken message is that everyone should want children and have them, it can be tough to know what you as an individual want for yourself. For some people, this decision comes naturally. There is a time when they ‘just know’ and are confident in their intuition. But for many others, the decision-making process is a lot more complicated. Ultimately, choosing to be or not be a parent is a big decision, but one that is entirely yours to make. If you haven’t yet gotten to a point where you can be sure in your decision, here are some ideas to help you out.

• It’s Okay To Not Be Sure 

If you’re surrounded by individuals confident in their decision to be or not be parents, it can often feel like you’re the only person who doesn’t know what they want. While this can be overwhelming and isolating, it’s important to remember that it’s okay not to know. Most of us have grown up in an environment where there isn’t much room to explore the question — we’re made to believe we’re supposed to want kids, and that’s the ‘natural’ thing to do. So if you’re ever feeling doubtful, that can come with guilt and uncertainty. But choosing to have or not have children is a big decision, and it’s perfectly rational not to be sure. Not knowing immediately can even be advantageous, as it forces you to stop and think about what you really want.

If the uncertainty is overwhelming, forcing yourself to make a choice you’re not ready to make will be of no help. So begin with deciding to take a designated break from the topic — take a month or several if you like. If you have a partner, mutually agree to not discuss this with each other for a certain amount of time so you can figure out what you want individually before working together as a couple. If you’re single, try not to ruminate about it or discuss it with others. During this time, chuck the pros and cons lists and anxiety away, and try to be alright with being unsure. 

• Don’t Jump To Conclusions 

If you’ve ever found yourself getting teary-eyed watching a mother and baby together on the bus, at a childcare centre like Raising Stars, or attending a baby shower, you might get the feeling that this is a sign that you should perhaps explore parenthood, too. While parenthood can be a wonderful experience, make sure not to jump to conclusions based on temporary external factors. That’s because, for some people, it can also be a painful experience. The answer to whether or not you should have children is not outside of you — not in being around children, holding a baby, or babysitting a newborn. 

Many people adore children but don’t want to raise them themselves. Some have a hard time with kids but want nothing more than to become a parent. Either way, you shouldn’t draw conclusions from experiences of being around children. The decision to be a parent should come from within you, not as a result of influence by other people. 

• There’s No Right Or Wrong Answer 

On their journey to exploring the possibilities of parenthood, many individuals feel driven by internal anxiety to make the right decision and avoid the wrong one they fear they will regret later in life. But the first thing to understand is that there really is no right or wrong choice. This sense of anxiety typically comes from not wanting to take on the massive, permanent responsibility that parenthood brings and regretting it later in life. But at the end of the day, there’s no good, bad, correct, or wrong decision — only the decision is right for you. Everyone approaches parenthood with a specific set of beliefs they’ve been nurtured into through their experiences, so it’s essential to approach this decision reflecting on your own life and the kind of future you envision for yourself, and not what is typically considered the ‘right’ decision to make. 

1. Desiring Vs. Decision Making 

Often, what you desire for yourself is ultimately not the path you end up choosing, and it’s important to learn to make that decision. When making this choice, you first need clarity on your desire. What exactly do you want? Not in terms of what is immediately attainable to you, but what you could have if everything were ideal? 

Many individuals are raised in an environment where the message is to start a family once they get old enough, so they think that is what they want and what is expected of them. But internally, they may question whether being a parent is what they want. Allowing yourself to want, and be okay with desiring something not immediately within your reach, is instrumental to this journey. But once you’ve pinpointed your desire, decision-making kicks in when evaluating the consequences of living out that desire. 

Decision-making looks at conditions — what exactly is preventing your desire from becoming true and what you need to do to get to that point. For instance, if you want children but your partner does not, you’ll have to first make a decision about your relationship to fulfil your desire. If you want to be a parent but aren’t financially secure, you’ll have to consider the cost of parenting and figure out how to make that a possibility. 

Once you have an idea of what you truly want, narrowing down the options and looking at the practicalities can help you reach a decision. But until then, turn inwards, and reflect.