Since returning from our holiday I have been struggling. Struggling to keep all the plates of our modern family life spinning, struggling in stopping them from crashing to the floor in a million pieces and someone ending up in tears. That somebody would be me!
Aside from the mega post holiday blues, we’ve all been suffering with a serious case of sleep deprivation. Olly’s relationship with sleep has always been a struggle and you would think by now we’re used to surviving on so little sleep. I don’t think you can ever really get used to sleep deprivation, it’s painful. I’m ashamed to admit it but I’ve lost my cool with Olly at 2am in the morning as he’s screaming at me that he doesn’t want to go back to bed. He’ll often favour Greg who was fast asleep on his CPAP but is rudely awoken by a tantruming three year old. Why can’t I control my child after midnight? Is there something wrong with him? What did I do so seriously wrong in a previous life that I can’t get more than 5 hours sleep?
Then there’s the guilt. The guilt of a knackered Mum who yelled at her child to go back to sleep when he’s probably so tired himself he doesn’t understand what’s going on and then refuses to give him Mummy a cuddle so she feels slightly reprieved.
It’s been horrendous if I’m honest. How do people cope on so little sleep and go to work and function normally? Make up is a thing of the past at 7am in the morning. As long as I have had a shower and I’m clean then I don’t care what I look like and that’s probably not the attitude to have at all.
My diet has slipped and I’m struggling with staying on plan. I’m reaching for the chocolate biscuits and sneaking a bar of chocolate when I know I’m already over my syns. It’s self-sabbotage. What am I doing to myself? I dread seeing myself in the mirror and I can feel my new found confidence slipping away. Then I feel like I’m letting people down; letting down my husband as I’m still massively overweight and way off target for fertility intervention so we can attempt to conceive our much wanted second baby. Letting down my son for not trying hard enough to make the diet work and letting everyone else down who has supported me so much already on my Slimming World journey. But, I’m a big believer in being in the right place mentally for a diet to work successfully and at the moment, hand on heart, my mind isn’t on it. I’ll still have a healthy on plan breakfast, lunch and dinner but in between I need to stop picking (the wrong things!) and thinking ‘sod it!’ I WILL start again tomorrow!
You would think that getting so little sleep would make me want to jump into bed as soon as Olly is asleep but no, there’s still the washing to do, the cleaning needs to be kept on top of, there’s life admin to deal with alongside running a blog that I love and working freelance to help pay the bills. There really doesn’t seem like there’s enough hours in the day! How do people get the balance? Does something have to give? I really don’t want to have to give up my blogging, I’ve actually got commitments so I can’t give up, I once had aspirations of working for myself from home which seem pretty damp and trodden on at the moment but it’s still a dream and one I’m holding on to tightly.
I’ll keep the plates on spinning. All my hard work has got to pay off somewhere and as my Mom rightly says ‘there’s always someone worse off than you’ and how true is that?