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Keeping all the plates spinning

Since returning from our holiday I have been struggling. Struggling to keep all the plates of our modern family life spinning, struggling in stopping them from crashing to the floor in a million pieces and someone ending up in tears. That somebody would be me!

Aside from the mega post holiday blues, we’ve all been suffering with a serious case of sleep deprivation. Olly’s relationship with sleep has always been a struggle and you would think by now we’re used to surviving on so little sleep. I don’t think you can ever really get used to sleep deprivation, it’s painful. I’m ashamed to admit it but I’ve lost my cool with Olly at 2am in the morning as he’s screaming at me that he doesn’t want to go back to bed. He’ll often favour Greg who was fast asleep on his CPAP but is rudely awoken by a tantruming three year old. Why can’t I control my child after midnight? Is there something wrong with him? What did I do so seriously wrong in a previous life that I can’t get more than 5 hours sleep?

Then there’s the guilt. The guilt of a knackered Mum who yelled at her child to go back to sleep when he’s probably so tired himself he doesn’t understand what’s going on and then refuses to give him Mummy a cuddle so she feels slightly reprieved.

It’s been horrendous if I’m honest. How do people cope on so little sleep and go to work and function normally? Make up is a thing of the past at 7am in the morning. As long as I have had a shower and I’m clean then I don’t care what I look like and that’s probably not the attitude to have at all.

My diet has slipped and I’m struggling with staying on plan. I’m reaching for the chocolate biscuits and sneaking a bar of chocolate when I know I’m already over my syns. It’s self-sabbotage. What am I doing to myself? I dread seeing myself in the mirror and I can feel my new found confidence slipping away. Then I feel like I’m letting people down; letting down my husband as I’m still massively overweight and way off target for fertility intervention so we can attempt to conceive our much wanted second baby. Letting down my son for not trying hard enough to make the diet work and letting everyone else down who has supported me so much already on my Slimming World journey. But, I’m a big believer in being in the right place mentally for a diet to work successfully and at the moment, hand on heart, my mind isn’t on it. I’ll still have a healthy on plan breakfast, lunch and dinner but in between I need to stop picking (the wrong things!) and thinking ‘sod it!’ I WILL start again tomorrow!

You would think that getting so little sleep would make me want to jump into bed as soon as Olly is asleep but no, there’s still the washing to do, the cleaning needs to be kept on top of, there’s life admin to deal with alongside running a blog that I love and working freelance to help pay the bills. There really doesn’t seem like there’s enough hours in the day! How do people get the balance? Does something have to give? I really don’t want to have to give up my blogging, I’ve actually got commitments so I can’t give up, I once had aspirations of working for myself from home which seem pretty damp and trodden on at the moment but it’s still a dream and one I’m holding on to tightly.

I’ll keep the plates on spinning. All my hard work has got to pay off somewhere and as my Mom rightly says ‘there’s always someone worse off than you’ and how true is that?

June 2016 Me and Mine

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13 Comments

  • Reply Toni

    Chin up sis… It will get better keep spinning and you’ll shine once more.. Love you xx

    13/07/2016 at 11:27 pm
    • Reply Emma

      Love you xx

      13/07/2016 at 11:28 pm
  • Reply Lucy Bishop

    Gosh, I so resonate with this Em!! I could have written parts of it myself!! I’ve been having a similar time with sleep deprivation (hello newborn!), losing my temper & then feeling shit about it, & self-sabotage, this is me all-over: reaching for the biscuit tin, or scoffing Bert’s leftovers when I’m not even hungry: just emotional & tired & fed up! Then I feel worse because I’ve eaten badly, and I’m really struggling with having put on baby weight. I hate it, and don’t feel like me at all, inside I’m desperate to lose it: but when I’m exhausted & fed up I forget that desperation to shift the weight!

    Mum life is so hard: we have so much to cram in, and eventually something gives (our sanity?!? Ha!) I’m crazily maybe taking on more work (hello responsibility, need for money & the pressure I put on myself not to turn work down) and I know it’s only going to up the stress levels, as I’m already having to be super devoted & lose out on any me-time or rest time to fit work in. But hey ho…. I committed to these choices & I know I’ll find my way, as will you, it’s just a temporary rough patch for us, an adjustment period….something will improve & we’ll be feeling way more human soon! Xxxx

    14/07/2016 at 4:04 am
  • Reply Steph

    It’s so hard. I wish I could give you the answer for it all. Sending love, hugs and mug cake xx

    14/07/2016 at 6:22 am
  • Reply Emily

    Oh Em it’s so hard sometimes isn’t it? Bedtimes have been a nightmare for us recently too, to the extent nancy was throwing books at us and hitting and kicking us! I don’t know what it is but 3 years old seems harder than anything else we’ve had to do. You can only do so much in 24 hours. Make sure you have time from yourself, it’s so important. You’ve done so well weight loss wise, don’t ever feel disheartened, I’m sure you’re still making much healthier choices without thinking about it and the odd biscuit is not going to undo all your hard work. Keep on keeping on lovely and if you find a magic solution to the sleep stuff (other than sedation which I’m seriously considering!!!!) Let me know xx

    14/07/2016 at 7:36 am
  • Reply Plutonium Sox

    I hope things start to get better soon. It’s tough being a mum, I just hold onto the fact that one day I’ll look back fondly on these days. Although they’re tough, they’re also pretty magical. One day the kids won’t need us, and we’ll miss these difficult times.
    Nat.x

    14/07/2016 at 8:13 am
  • Reply Christina Bennett

    I can so relate to this post. As we speak I have a seriously messy living room (looks like a toy bomb has exploded, leaving toys everywhere!), my dishwasher has broken so I have a line of pots waiting to be washed, and a pile of washing that huge I am surprised that I can even find my toddler. And on top of that I have to look after my little one AND try and run my own business. Plus my diet is slowly slipping down then pan. It’s so hard to be a modern woman, so much pressure is placed on us and so much expectation.
    Now i’m off to try and attempt to clean my house before we have any visitors – god forbid that anyone sees what my house actually looks like when no one comes round!!!

    14/07/2016 at 10:29 am
  • Reply msedollyp

    Awww hun dont be so hard on yourself, you are doing so much and doing it much better than you know. I am married to an insomniac so regularly only get 5 hours sleep,its worse than the new baby stage because its always like this. My kids are up at 5am every day, 7 days a week, so I know how that tiredness grinds you down.

    Focus on the things you are doing right and you will get your head back where it needs to be. Be kind to yourself and look back at how far you have come. Its a journey and not an easy one but you are travelling it now.

    14/07/2016 at 12:51 pm
  • Reply Katie @mummydaddyme

    Sending love Emma, it is hard. I am feeling a bit the same as you. Since having the baby I just have so much on and I have so many things I want to do with my blog, with my house, with my life, but no time to do it. I am just sort of keeping my head above water really! I hope you get back into things soon and I hope that you sort out O’s sleep- it must be so hard and tiring for you. xx

    14/07/2016 at 2:40 pm
    • Reply Emma

      Thank you Katie, I can’t even imagine how you do it with 3 kiddos. Fingers crossed our sleepy prayers will be answered soon xx

      14/07/2016 at 10:27 pm
  • Reply mummyofboygirltwins

    I could have written this too! Feel as though since March I have had thing after thing going on and it’s been manic. Starting to want to slow down and stay in now! My to do list is SO long. The tiredness is a killer…it does make me want coffee, cake, treats and then makes me grumpy. I am going to have to switch off a bit in August because the twins are off and I need to enjoy the time. Hugs lovely xx

    15/07/2016 at 7:04 pm
  • Reply Tracey Williams

    Sorry to hear you are feeling like this Emma. I really think sleep deprivation is so hard to deal with, and I hope Olly gets back to a good sleep routine soon. We put so much pressure on ourselves being a mum, wife, housekeeper, blogger and keeping the house running. Hugs x

    17/07/2016 at 10:28 pm
  • Reply Tracy Coldwell

    Ah honey, times are hard, but they won’t last I promise. In the mean time, is there anything that can give? When I had all the little ones at home I decided to get a cleaner. We couldn’t really afford it, and I felt hard justifying it with me being at home, but there were just things that weren’t getting done, I didn’t have the opportunity, and it was getting me down. Just a couple of hours a week could take the pressure off your housekeeping duties. Just someone to hoover, clean the bathroom, mop the kitchen floor. Gives you time to do something else x

    18/07/2016 at 9:19 am
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