How to explain losing a loved one to your child

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Worried about how you’ll explain the loss of your loved one to your child? Children are resilient things and, although they’re younger and less developed than us adults, they deserve honesty and openness with regards to the serious subjects. Possibly the most serious subject of them all is death. The truth about death is that it’s an inevitable and unavoidable part of life. So, we shouldn’t hide away from discussing these subjects with our kids. Credit where it’s due: many children have far more understanding about the intricacies of life than we do.

With the help of a solicitors in Bridgend, Bath, Bristol, Birmingham, or wherever you live, the practical side of any death can be sorted. However, although this is important, the emotional side of things is sure to be much more difficult to bear. In this article, we’ll be providing you with some tips to prepare your child for these emotions and facts of life.

1.  Prepare your child before the event

Letting your child in on the intricacies of life and death before they experience a loss is a good place to start. What you should know is that children aren’t born with an understanding about death and loss. Most children under the age of six don’t really understand that:

• Death is irreversible.
• Death is permanent.
• Death has a cause.
• Death is a universal fact.
• Death is not their fault.

So, adults must help them to prepare for such an event by explaining this inevitability. Of course, it’s important that you do so in a measured way, and our next tips might just help with that.

2.  Let your child in on the writing of your own will

This tip might not be for everyone, as Wills can be very private things, especially if you have multiple children getting different elements of the inheritance. That said, if it’s something you’re not too worried about, letting your child in on the writing of your Will might be useful. This could be a great way to teach the, about the practicalities of dying, without you having to address the emotional side of things too early on. After all, teaching them about what happens when people die is important, and a Will is a huge element of this.

3.  Practice what you’ll say before you say it

If you feel as though you need to have a sit-down conversation with your child to explain death, perhaps practicing what you’ll say beforehand will help. This should ensure you don’t say anything inflammatory. Of course, you can’t fully predict how your child will react or what questions they may ask. However, getting some basic talking points nailed down in front of the mirror might just save some awkward fumbling.

4.  Be concise, clear and honest

Although you might feel as though you have to talk in rhymes and riddles, this isn’t usually the case. Children are often smarter than you give them credit for, and have an understanding of things in much clearer ways than even we adults do!

So, don’t beat around the bush – be clear in what you’re telling them, and provide them with honest information. This could include using the words “dead” and “death” rather than “sleep” or “loss”. This can cause confusion otherwise, as they might even think the person is coming back.

5.  Don’t other your child

Although children are certainly different from adults, their emotional spectrum is much the same, if not heightened. So, it’s likely that your child will experience feelings similar to yours, including:

• Grief
• Denial
• Anger
• Guilt
• Sadness
• Fear
• Shock

Flitting between this range of emotions, rather than demonstrating one at a time, will be common. So, be sure to prepare for this rollercoaster ride, and don’t get offended if they exhibit happiness and excitement all of a sudden.

6.  Give them time and space

In the event of a death, your child might not act as you expect them to. One minute they might seem totally fine, and the next minute they might be very distressed and upset. It’s important that you give your child time and space to process their feelings in a way that feels right to them.

7.  Be sure they know it’s okay to express their emotions

It might feel right to bottle up your own emotions when you’re around your child, but sometimes this isn’t always the right thing to do. In fact, if a child sees you doing this, they might follow your lead and feel as though they have to do the same. Instead, on certain occasions and at certain points of the day, it might feel right to unburden yourself with your child present. If so, don’t be afraid to do so, so your child sees that expressing these emotions is a normal part of life.

8.  Encourage regular discussions about serious topics

You should also encourage discussions of similarly serious topics on a regular basis. This way, you’re providing them with open communication on topics that they must learn about, so they aren’t as shocked when things do happen. Opening this honest and open line of communication early on means that, if a death occurs, your child should hopefully feel as though they can open up to you when they need to. By providing this communication, it’s also likely to set them up in good stead for later on down the line, when they have to process emotions as an adult.

9.  Don’t forget to explain the funeral

The immediate death is likely to be on all of your minds, but the funeral will be next on the agenda. Children are unlikely to have an understanding of what this is or why we do it, so it’s important to explain this to them also. You might wonder whether young children should attend, even if they don’t understand what’s going on. The truth is that they may appreciate that they were part of it when they’re older, so it could be wise to bring them along. If not, attending the gathering after the funeral service, or providing decorations, songs, or cards for the event, might be a nice gesture. If your child is old enough to make a choice, then be sure to give them this option. Within this conversation, be sure to let them know why they might want to attend, and prepare them for what they might see. After all, this hotbed of emotions is sure to be stressful, but it might be helpful for them to experience it.

10.  Take time for yourself

During all this, you might forget about your own grief, which can leave the emotions to build up over time. Be sure to take some time to yourself to come to terms with your loss. What’s more, don’t forget to lean on family and friends, and seek professional support or counselling if you’re struggling to cope.

Is your child ready to talk about death?

In this article, we’ve provided 10 tips for you to follow if you need to explain the death of a loved one to your child. We’ve not only included tips for after the fact, but also some tips for how to prepare your child for this inevitability. As you can see, there’s plenty to think about, but the key is to not baby them. This is an adult conversation, and it requires open and honest language, so be sure to bear this in mind.

Do you have any other tips for explaining the loss of a loved one to your child? Be sure to leave them in the comments down below.