The thing with weight loss, is that your head needs to be in the right place for you to be able to focus on your diet. If you’re feeling weak and vulnerable chances are you’re going to turn to something that gives you comfort whether it’s a drink of alcohol, a piece of chocolate or a cigarette. Everyone has their crux. For me, it’s food. Sweet delicious food, food that I haven’t really eaten over the last 20 months. Food that is full of calories but gives off a temporary boost.
To put this into context, last week I had an appointment with my Doctor to talk to him about infertility. Hubby and I have been trying for a second baby for nine months now and I know, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a long time. However when you’ve already got one gorgeous little boy who is rapidly growing up, you begin to worry whether it’s ever going to happen and that your ovaries have actually packed up and are missing in action.
When we were trying to conceive Olly, we had to have a little bit of help from our gynaecologist. I was given some drugs to help with the release of eggs and after two and a half years, we managed to conceive our precious bundle of joy. I, very naively, believed that the doctor would listen to my worries about not being able to conceive naturally again and would happily refer me back to the gynaecologist for support and wave me off home with a prescription for the magical drugs. No. I was told we had to wait until we had been trying unsuccessfully for two years, TWO YEARS, until he’d refer me!
The tears welled up and I had to blink them away, I couldn’t get upset as I had taken Olly with me to the appointment and I didn’t want him to see me crying. I argued with the doctor that I had PCOS and an underactive thyroid and I obviously needed some support. After an emotional discussion, I managed to get him to agree to getting my bloods done to find out what’s happening with my hormones and my thyroid function and I’m praying that something comes up and he’ll agree to refer me anyway against ‘the guidelines’.
I came home and just felt rage, I wanted comfort and so of course I turned to food. Out went my self control and I ate food that I knew was off plan. We took Olly to McDonalds for dinner, I ate chocolate brownies, lots of sweets at the conference, sandwiches, crumbly cookies, full cooked breakfasts that I knew weren’t cooked the SW way, I ordered pudding from room service just because I could. I just felt really annoyed, pissed off and upset.
Obviously, we all know you can’t eat foods like that and stay the same on the scales so on Tuesday night at weigh in, I was expecting a gain. I thought I’d gain possibly 3 or 4lb but wasn’t prepared for the whopping 7.5lb gain that was grinning back at me. A trophy for being a pig with no self control. There are babies born that weigh less than that. Gutted!
I got upset in group as reality hit. I was disappointed at myself and surprised at how easily it is to gain weight. I don’t really know why I’m surprised, gaining weight is easy it’s losing it that’s the hard part. I’m so grateful for my friends in group who are there to support me. Losing weight isn’t easy, it takes self control, discipline and a belief in yourself that you can do it.
After giving myself a stern talking to and reading all the lovely comments from my fantastic Instagram friends, I’m back on track and ready to take on the battle of infertility, feeling useless and believe in myself. I’m still hugely overweight but I’ve come a long way and I need to remember that. I am in a much better place now than I was a couple of years ago and I need to remember what I’ve achieved.
A week on, I might still be a little fragile but I’m making the steps towards getting that weight gain off and giving myself a break instead of feeling ALL the guilt! I’m trying to make the right choices, chin up and get on with it. I’m waiting for my blood tests to come back so fingers crossed for that. Wish me luck!