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The one with the massive gain and an emotional ramble!

Tulips

The thing with weight loss, is that your head needs to be in the right place for you to be able to focus on your diet. If you’re feeling weak and vulnerable chances are you’re going to turn to something that gives you comfort whether it’s a drink of alcohol, a piece of chocolate or a cigarette. Everyone has their crux. For me, it’s food. Sweet delicious food, food that I haven’t really eaten over the last 20 months. Food that is full of calories but gives off a temporary boost.

To put this into context, last week I had an appointment with my Doctor to talk to him about infertility. Hubby and I have been trying for a second baby for nine months now and I know, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a long time. However when you’ve already got one gorgeous little boy who is rapidly growing up, you begin to worry whether it’s ever going to happen and that your ovaries have actually packed up and are missing in action.

When we were trying to conceive Olly, we had to have a little bit of help from our gynaecologist. I was given some drugs to help with the release of eggs and after two and a half years, we managed to conceive our precious bundle of joy. I, very naively, believed that the doctor would listen to my worries about not being able to conceive naturally again and would happily refer me back to the gynaecologist for support and wave me off home with a prescription for the magical drugs. No. I was told we had to wait until we had been trying unsuccessfully for two years, TWO YEARS, until he’d refer me!

The tears welled up and I had to blink them away, I couldn’t get upset as I had taken Olly with me to the appointment and I didn’t want him to see me crying. I argued with the doctor that I had PCOS and an underactive thyroid and I obviously needed some support. After an emotional discussion, I managed to get him to agree to getting my bloods done to find out what’s happening with my hormones and my thyroid function and I’m praying that something comes up and he’ll agree to refer me anyway against ‘the guidelines’.

I came home and just felt rage, I wanted comfort and so of course I turned to food. Out went my self control and I ate food that I knew was off plan. We took Olly to McDonalds for dinner, I ate chocolate brownies, lots of sweets at the conference, sandwiches, crumbly cookies, full cooked breakfasts that I knew weren’t cooked the SW way, I ordered pudding from room service just because I could. I just felt really annoyed, pissed off and upset.

Obviously, we all know you can’t eat foods like that and stay the same on the scales so on Tuesday night at weigh in, I was expecting a gain. I thought I’d gain possibly 3 or 4lb but wasn’t prepared for the whopping 7.5lb gain that was grinning back at me. A trophy for being a pig with no self control. There are babies born that weigh less than that. Gutted!

I got upset in group as reality hit. I was disappointed at myself and surprised at how easily it is to gain weight. I don’t really know why I’m surprised, gaining weight is easy it’s losing it that’s the hard part. I’m so grateful for my friends in group who are there to support me. Losing weight isn’t easy, it takes self control, discipline and a belief in yourself that you can do it.

After giving myself a stern talking to and reading all the lovely comments from my fantastic Instagram friends, I’m back on track and ready to take on the battle of infertility, feeling useless and believe in myself. I’m still hugely overweight but I’ve come a long way and I need to remember that. I am in a much better place now than I was a couple of years ago and I need to remember what I’ve achieved.

A week on, I might still be a little fragile but I’m making the steps towards getting that weight gain off and giving myself a break instead of feeling ALL the guilt! I’m trying to make the right choices, chin up and get on with it. I’m waiting for my blood tests to come back so fingers crossed for that. Wish me luck!

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8 Comments

  • Reply Tali

    Huge hugs <3

    06/05/2016 at 11:48 am
  • Reply Midgie

    Hugs lovely, 7lbs in the grand scheme of how far you have come is not that much and considering the week you have had its not surprising you turned to soemthing for comfort. xxx

    06/05/2016 at 4:08 pm
  • Reply Beth @ Twinderelmo

    All the very best of luck – with SW & tttc. Food for me too is a massive comfort and also something I use as a reward but self sabotage is so hard to deal with. New week SW wise and I hope the blood tests offer some answers or you get a doctor who may listen more. Much love lady xxxxx

    06/05/2016 at 5:12 pm
  • Reply Debbie

    Spending lots of love and positive vibes xx

    07/05/2016 at 9:35 am
  • Reply Mum Reinvented

    Sorry you’ve had a crap week. You’ve come so far and although I know how soul destroying it can be to put on weight, perhaps you did need a blow out week with everything you have going on. It will come off again, you already know you can do it because of the huge success you’ve had so far. It must be awful knowing that you need help and not being able to get it. You probably won’t want to hear this but it took me 10 years to get pregnant again, not that I was actively trying for the vast majority of it thankfully, but I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to have another child and was told I had unexplainable secondary infertility, so I resigned myself to the fact that my daughter would be an only child. But get pregnant again I did and that baby is now a loopy 4 year old. Don’t ever give up, it will happen even if it does take longer than you might like x

    07/05/2016 at 10:56 am
  • Reply Donna

    Oh Em, I had no idea. I thought you just had the munchies! Your doctor sounds like an idiot. Bloody guidelines! You are amazing with the weight stuff and that weight will be off again before you know it x

    07/05/2016 at 10:16 pm
  • Reply Chrissie Curtis

    This is so me right now! Mix the above with my Birthday which consisted of Cake! and Burgers!

    We have been trying for 2 and a half years though now and only Just got some help – Although I had some results which stated “Abnormal as expected” and that was that (reaches for cake) I do have a borderline underactive thyroid though which even now doesn’t seem to warrant getting help yet.

    17/05/2016 at 4:31 pm
  • Reply Lindsay

    Aw Emma that is rubbish about the doctor, I thought they would have at least done something – can’t believe they said wait two years! You have done amazing on sw so far and you look blooming amazing. I know you will get back on track soon. Big hugs beautiful lady xx

    22/05/2016 at 7:43 pm
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