For a while now I’ve been wanting to write so many personal posts for this blog but really can’t find the right words. I don’t know what has happened or what has changed but I’m finding writing them really hard. Despite the lack of time to sit down and put fingers to keyboard, there seems to be a huge hurdle in my way preventing me from writing the words I want to share. Where did this fear come from?
Back in January, I officially left my day job after my maternity leave finished and I became completely self-employed. For years, I’ve had to watch what I say in fear of saying the wrong thing, being too controversial or having a differing opinion on something and now I’m free from an employer, I can’t seem to find the way of discovering my voice again.
I was speaking to a friend recently who said it could be the shift from having the blog as a hobby and earning money from it in addition to my day job to it being completely my only income and my day-to-day job. The pressure is real! All I do know is that I need to face the fear and get rid of it as soon as I can. I can’t afford to spend time worrying about it.
Working from home has, so far, been a real challenge, we all know what it’s like trying to get anything done with a toddler around. I’m trying to find some sort of balance between being a present Mum to Freddie, giving him the time and experiences I desperately wanted to give his older brother five years ago (hello Mum guilt!) finding time to see friends and get the house in shape as well as working a job that doesn’t have regular hours but keeps me up working until well past midnight most nights.
Of course if I was my own friend I’d be telling me to give myself a break and just do what I can. I feel as though I’m in a bit of limbo really without any real routine and it’s really hard. It was always going to be hard with a fifteen month old toddling around everywhere I go but I don’t think I really realised just how hard it is. I annoy myself daily that my house is a mess, it’s full of toys and half opened snacks, paperwork that needs a home, why I’m not one of those mothers that seems to have it all organised and a system for everything.
It might be a challenge but it’s a challenge I’m taking on. There is no way I want to go back to the days of living in fear of going to work again so I need to embrace this way of life, with the chaos and without the routine because I know for certain that one day I’ll look back and wish I could do it all over again.