Where did this fear come from?

08/05/2019
fear

For a while now I’ve been wanting to write so many personal posts for this blog but really can’t find the right words. I don’t know what has happened or what has changed but I’m finding writing them really hard. Despite the lack of time to sit down and put fingers to keyboard, there seems to be a huge hurdle in my way preventing me from writing the words I want to share. Where did this fear come from? 

Back in January, I officially left my day job after my maternity leave finished and I became completely self-employed. For years, I’ve had to watch what I say in fear of saying the wrong thing, being too controversial or having a differing opinion on something and now I’m free from an employer, I can’t seem to find the way of discovering my voice again.

I was speaking to a friend recently who said it could be the shift from having the blog as a hobby and earning money from it in addition to my day job to it being completely my only income and my day-to-day job. The pressure is real! All I do know is that I need to face the fear and get rid of it as soon as I can. I can’t afford to spend time worrying about it.

Working from home has, so far, been a real challenge, we all know what it’s like trying to get anything done with a toddler around. I’m trying to find some sort of balance between being a present Mum to Freddie, giving him the time and experiences I desperately wanted to give his older brother five years ago (hello Mum guilt!) finding time to see friends and get the house in shape as well as working a job that doesn’t have regular hours but keeps me up working until well past midnight most nights.

Of course if I was my own friend I’d be telling me to give myself a break and just do what I can. I feel as though I’m in a bit of limbo really without any real routine and it’s really hard. It was always going to be hard with a fifteen month old toddling around everywhere I go but I don’t think I really realised just how hard it is. I annoy myself daily that my house is a mess, it’s full of toys and half opened snacks, paperwork that needs a home, why I’m not one of those mothers that seems to have it all organised and a system for everything.

It might be a challenge but it’s a challenge I’m taking on. There is no way I want to go back to the days of living in fear of going to work again so I need to embrace this way of life, with the chaos and without the routine because I know for certain that one day I’ll look back and wish I could do it all over again.

 

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10 Comments

  • Reply Plutonium Sox 08/05/2019 at 2:46 pm

    I hope you feel better about things soon Emma. It’s such a tough gig. It will get easier as Freddie gets older and my one piece of advice would be not to worry about keeping the house immaculate. If people judge you for having a messy house with all you’ve got to cope with then they’re not the sort of people you need in your life.
    Nat.x

    • Reply Emma Shilton 08/05/2019 at 2:51 pm

      Thanks so much Nat, I just don’t know how people find the time to do everything! xx

  • Reply Toni 08/05/2019 at 3:39 pm

    You do a fantastic job juggling kids, work and the house.. stop feeling guilty your boys have a wonderful fun filled life.. your amazing xx

  • Reply Samantha Rickelton 08/05/2019 at 9:27 pm

    Ah it’s so tough but I promise it does get easier and you find your own little routine. I tend to do the kitchen cleaning when the kids are having their breakfast at 8am and then do some more after lunch then Steve takes over in the evening. Little and often works for us but obviously we don’t have a baby at home.

    Maybe write a list of all the personal posts you want to write and have a set day to publish them on? So say every Wednesday? Then you are giving yourself a deadline to work to?

  • Reply Anonymous 08/05/2019 at 9:28 pm

    You’ve got kids your house is never going to be a show house . When my son was Ollie’s age as long as I could put the toys away when he went to bed that was fine . The housework will get done when you have time enjoy the time with the boys while they’re young . I’ve got grandchildren now and spend my time with them while I can . If people come round and your house is untidy don’t worry if they don’t like it tough they needn’t come back . Stop worrying enjoy your days life’s too short . Xx

  • Reply Kate (@Newmummykate) 09/05/2019 at 2:54 pm

    Don’t be too hard on yourself Emma, working from home is a constant juggling act which eventually balances out somewhat xx

  • Reply Donna 11/05/2019 at 11:28 pm

    Em, you are doing great. I would have found this all exactly the same if I’d had a baby at home. Everything is so much easier when they’re bigger and so for now do what you can, don’t worry about trying to be picture perfect and just be you. We all love you, we’re all rooting for you and you know you can do this x

    • Reply Emma Shilton 14/05/2019 at 11:11 pm

      Thank you so much Donna, the struggle is real!

  • Reply thereadingresidence 13/05/2019 at 10:00 am

    It is so hard working from home around family life, but you know it’s the right thing to do for your family so you will find a way. It’s tough, I know, but a sense of routine will gradually emerge and until then you just grab what you can, and the biggest thing – stop beating yourself about it all. The guilt is real, isn’t it?! Accept you can’t be all things to all people, just get through each day and that’s the win x

    • Reply Emma Shilton 14/05/2019 at 11:10 pm

      Thanks Jocelyn, I need to remember that! Wise words x

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