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When self-doubt strikes..

I’m having one of those evenings. I’m tired, feeling particularly grumpy after a busy week at work and I have a blog work to-do list longer than a queue for the latest big ride at Legoland but I feel unmotivated and full of self doubt. I only wrote last week that my pregnancy hormones hadn’t really affected me much but boy, was that a bit premature as they have well and truly hit towards the end of this week and I feel rubbish. 

A photo taken at 20 weeks pregnant // August 2017

Self doubt is a huge stumbling block for me. It usually hits when my confidence is low and I’m feeling stressed but this week it just feels overwhelming. My confidence is low because I’ve gained weight (I know I’m pregnant so it’s inevitable really), I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes (how limiting are maternity clothes) and huge milestone events are happening around me that I don’t have any control over and I’m just overplaying them in my head and making mountains out of molehills.

Olly is starting school next week and we are dreading it. He’s refusing food already (which stems from the fact he doesn’t want to eat lunch at school as it’s a cooked dinner provided for them) and with last years problems with getting him to pre-school, we are reluctantly anticipating the same thing happening all over again and it’s worrying. His behaviour over the last two weeks of the school holidays has been challenging; getting tearful over silly things, answering back and being cheeky (not in a cutesy way) and pushing boundaries. I know children pick up on their parents feelings and emotions so I’m really trying to be confident and be positive about it all when he’s around but secretly dreading it. I’ve booked a couple of days off work so I can take him to school and be there for him when it’s time to pick him up. I’ve got everything crossed that he comes out of school with a big smile on his face but I am really looking forward to next weekend already.

We had our mid-term anomaly scan this week and we saw baby boy again. He was being a little monkey and was lying in a funny position so the sonographer couldn’t get the measurements she needed. We had the last appointment of the day which I’m pretty sure didn’t help us as she asked us to come back next week for a repeat scan instead of asking me to drink something cold or do star jumps to help move him. But, we did see baby boy with his hand up by his face and it was lovely to see him on the screen and see his heart beating away.

After reading my maternity notes when I got home, I was annoyed to see that the sonographer had made reference to my high BMI and not being able to complete the scan because of it. Something she made absolute no reference to during the scan whilst we were there. Granted, a lot of the measurements couldn’t be completed due to baby boy’s position but the sonographer didn’t even try to get the measurements she is blaming my BMI on. I feel awful, I feel like I’m already failing my baby boy and it’s definitely added to my low confidence and overwhelming feeling of self doubt this weekend. Although I’m not going to lose three stone by next week’s repeat scan, I hope I get a different sonographer who can work their magic and get the measurements they need.

I’ve had a couple of blog work issues this week that have made me doubt myself. I’m probably being ridiculous (thanks hormones) but it’s made me question my dream for being completely self-employed. It’s a dream I hope to realise once my maternity leave is over next year but there’s always that element of what if? I know I’m questioning all of this because my confidence is low and I’m feeling rubbish. I’ll be damned if I let my hormones get in the way of a dream that I’ve had for such a long time.

I know my feelings are probably the result of my pregnancy hormones ramping up as baby boy gets bigger and stronger and so far, I think I’ve got off quite lightly with them so it’s only inevitable but it doesn’t make me feel any better. So pregnancy and milestone weeks are a bit shit when they collide together aren’t they? Sometimes a good (irrational pregnancy hormone fuelled) cry and an early night can do wonders.. let’s hope so!

Edit: I wrote this post last night and didn’t share it as I was a bit emotional and thought I was being silly. Today, I’m feeling better having had a good day with family but I still feel nervous for the week ahead. Fingers crossed it’s not as eventful as we anticipate! 

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11 Comments

  • Reply Toni

    Sis never ever doubt yourself, your a amazingly talented mommy, the world is your oyster go and grab it with both hands.. Love you so much xx

    02/09/2017 at 11:15 pm
  • Reply Alex telford

    Bless you. I rarely comment, but couldn’t read and run, sometimes people don’t think before they speak/write. Please don’t take her comments to heart. You are growing a whole human being, which is just amazing.
    Literally half the children in my sons class take packed lunches, is that a happier option for Olly?
    Easier said then done I know, but try not to put too much pressure on yourself, you are doing an amazing job. I hope you achieve your dreams xx

    02/09/2017 at 11:18 pm
    • Reply Emma

      Thank you for commenting Alex, we aren’t allowed to send in packed lunch for him but I might have to meet with the Head if he doesn’t eat at all. Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate them x

      04/09/2017 at 8:58 pm
  • Reply Seaside Sparkles

    This is such an honest post and I’m sending you a big virtual hug. This is a big week for you and it’s ok to be feeling anxious about Ollie starting school, my daughter is going back for Yr 5 and I’m still nervous every year. Please don’t doubt yourself especially with your blog, it’s one of my favourites and you’re a great writer who could easily make a career of your blog. You’re honest, likeable and write about the little things we all enjoy in life. You’re great for diet tips and motivation too. Good luck this week, your readers will all be thinking of you, hope the second scan goes well, just think of it as a bonus opportunity to see baby.

    03/09/2017 at 7:27 am
    • Reply Emma

      Thank you so much, I really appreciate your comment xx

      04/09/2017 at 8:48 pm
  • Reply Hello Beautiful Bear

    Oh lovely, pregnancy hormones can be SUCH a bitch. When I was pregnant with Lily I used to get the same ‘high BMI’ crap put on my notes but you’ve just got to learn to ignore it if you can. Bigger girls have perfectly healthy babies all of the time and everybody has their vices, don’t beat yourself up over yours, it’s the last thing you need (and IMO, food is the hardest vice because you can’t just cut it out, you know?) You’ve done so well with your SW, I wish I had an ounce of your determination and willpower. As for your blog, it wasn’t so long ago you took the Tots100 top spot and you’re still very comfortably in the top 100, you deserve to be there, your blog is bloody brilliant and you’re doing fantastic! x

    03/09/2017 at 6:41 pm
    • Reply Emma

      Thank you for your kind words Lucy, I really appreciate it. You really made me smile xx

      04/09/2017 at 8:47 pm
  • Reply Kate Fever (@FamilyFever)

    Oh Emma, I am so sorry you are feeling down. I think pregnancy hormones have a lot to answer for. I hope your second scan is a more positive experience – just think of it as another chance to see your gorgeous boy. Ollie starting school is a massive deal, made harder by pregnancy emotions, so please don’t be hard on yourself. I am feeling wobbly about Max starting too.
    You can definitely and absolutely make a career from your blog if that is what you want to do. Just take it a day ata time for now, and take care of yourself. Growing a baby is hard, hard work.
    Huge amounts of love xxx

    03/09/2017 at 6:48 pm
    • Reply Emma

      Thank you so much Kate, one minute you’re fine, the next wham, and you’re crying over the last cereal bar! It’s ridiculous! xx

      04/09/2017 at 8:46 pm
  • Reply Donna

    Ah lovely, sending you virtual hugs. I am sure by the time your maternity leave is over you’ll be ready to be fully self employed – you can do this! x

    03/09/2017 at 9:18 pm
    • Reply Emma

      Thank you Donna, I really hope so x

      04/09/2017 at 8:46 pm

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