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Frustrated and self-sabotage..

Because flowers look pretty when you can’t find a suitable photograph to fit the post!

I feel I need to write this down. Staying true to what I set my blog up to capture so I make no apology for this rambling explosion. I feel like I’m setting myself up for the biggest fall and I can’t seem to find the brakes. When I wrote back in February that we finally got our fertility appointment through, I was head strong and determined to lose the weight. The same weight that is now inevitably stopping my dreams of a baby completing our family. But I just can’t focus.

I’m tired. I’m so tired of trying to balance my part-time day job with my home life, be the Mummy I want to be to Olly, be the person that my husband fell in love with and keep my blog and freelance work afloat. I don’t think I can’t do it. I feel like I’m at a cross roads of trying to find time to do it all and I’m unhappy trying to find the balance.  I’m definitely not one of those bloggers that captures the sweetness and light all the time, this is real life. Real life is difficult with hurdles to cross and challenges along the way.

I need to recognise that enough is enough. I’m usually really positive and find the good in everything, apart from Marmite, that’s just wrong! I have fallen foul of being too nice and being taken for a ride but I need to stand up for myself and turn this around. I’m sabotaging myself. I’m eating rubbish around my meals (which obviously isn’t put on Instagram) as a justification for how I’m feeling. This isn’t me. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror anymore. The spark has gone from my eyes and the dark circles under them are obvious that the elusive work life balance is a myth. I love my freelance and blog work, it’s something that I personally think I’m good at. I really enjoy it and some might say I’m successful at. I really don’t want to ruin what I’ve worked so hard to build up.

I’m not depressed, but I do need some support. I’m stuck in a rut where my heart and my head are pulling me in totally different directions. When I was younger, I was bullied and when I finally had the courage to walk away from the situation I found myself in, I vowed never to allow myself back into a life situation where I was doing things I hated and that made me so unhappy. I’m letting myself down and I need to be strong enough to pull myself out of this. I’m frustrated with myself for sabotaging my own success. This time last year I was slimmer and much more confident. A confidence that seems to have evaporated with my so called sleep!

Turns out when you think someone is holding it all together, they’re not. They’re just masking together the cracks and faking it!

But tomorrow is a new day, a chance to wipe the slate clean and start afresh. A chance to right this path I’m on and stop the sabotage.

P.S I’m okay, I promise! 

Edit: I didn’t publish this post last night as my husband was worried I’d worry the socks off some of you who might read this post. I’ve slept on it (hurrah!) and I’m still feeling the same frustrations but slightly more positive about how I’m going to tackle the way forward. Sleep eh? It’s magic!

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15 Comments

  • Reply Fi

    We are all just winging it poppet. I absolutely promise you. Even me – the ‘expert’ is juggling home life, friends, family, work, me time (what’s me time again?)

    It’s good to rant, to stop and assess where you are and what you want. This last year taught me such a lot about friendships, family and life balance. I realised I had to make some changes – and the changes I’ve made have made a huge difference and I’m surrounding myself with positive and nice people who prop me up when I feel I’m falling or are there in both good and bad times without any hidden agenda.

    Emma, just be you. Be what you want to be and do what you want to do, forget other bloggers or Instagrammers or vloggers. Forget stats and popularity because at the end of the day all you really have is your solid friendships and family – the internet isn’t important, it’s a life sucking world that one day we’ll all look back and cackle away at, realising we wasted way too much time on. (Maybe that’s just me? I love the Internet and social media but it takes second place to real life – emails can wait, ill blog when I feel like it, vlog if I fancy it, write for magazines and sites I love but never compromise the important stuff.)

    Hope my ramble makes sense? I’m not far from you – come bring Olly for a play and have a coffee one day. Xx

    12/04/2017 at 10:27 am
  • Reply Beth @ Twinderelmo

    It’s so hard to break the cycle when you know you’ve got a target yet when you go off track you beat yourself up even more. Emma you’ve so many plates to keep spinning – and you’ve always got a smile on your face. Hope something lets up soon and you can refocus xxxxxx

    12/04/2017 at 10:30 am
  • Reply Jess

    From over here it looks like you’re doing a great job!
    Have you ever thought about running? I know you are super busy already but a 20minute jog is less than 2% of your day. Its amazing thinking time, something for you and you alone and you never know it may have the added bonus of weight loss (or at least shape change) ~ running really has made me a better person. If it’s not for you, maybe try and find whatever your version of running is. Something individual to rod frustrations and clear the mind. Good luck x

    12/04/2017 at 11:11 am
  • Reply Sarah

    I don’t have any magic words of wisdom that can fix this for you, but I just wanted to let you know I know where you’re coming from. I definitely know that feeling of sabotaging yourself, particularly when it comes to trying to lose weight. I hope sleep helped a bit and you manage to find a way to keep moving forward. Much love x

    12/04/2017 at 11:29 am
    • Reply Emma

      Thank you Sarah, I need to sleep more, it definitely helps me pick the right choices.. xx

      12/04/2017 at 1:49 pm
  • Reply TheMeditativeMommy

    I can only but relate to you! Just take one breath at a time and don’t worry, Everything is figureoutable! And what can’t be achieved today can be tried again tomorrow. It’s not the end of the word. Chin up momma! You got this!

    12/04/2017 at 1:15 pm
    • Reply Emma

      Thank you so much for your comment. Love that word ‘figureoutable’ that’s definitely something I say! xx

      12/04/2017 at 1:47 pm
  • Reply Plutonium Sox

    Sorry to hear this Emma and I do know how difficult it is to balance it all. Please let me know if ever there is anything I can help you with. I’d be happy to write some bits for you if you’re feeling overwhelmed or anything else I can do to help. I hope you manage to sort it all out and make sure you get some time to just do things that make you happy.
    Nat.x

    12/04/2017 at 2:05 pm
  • Reply Kelly | To Become Mum

    I hope it helps to know that a lot of people feel this way from time to time and we’re also guilty of putting too much pressure on ourselves. Breath, sleep and reboot. Think about what things you can and want to change, and let those things you can’t go a little.

    Celebrate yourself every day, and you’ll find your outlook will start to get better too xx

    12/04/2017 at 3:34 pm
  • Reply Kate French

    Trust me Emma, you are NOT alone in feeling like this.
    I love the fact your blog is so honest and truthful.
    Social media is filled with perfect looking lives and it just piles the pressure on.
    You’ve done the right things just saying how you’re feeling, those around you won’t always see exactly how you’re feeling especially if you’re doing you’re best to put a ‘I’m in control’ face on.
    Taking one day at a time helps.
    Something else that might help is something I do at work (most days!) which is take a few seconds to reflect on the day:
    What was the ‘win’
    What was the ‘learn’
    What will you ‘change’
    Write them down, there will be a win every day no matter how small, helps to have a moment to prove to yourself you do have moments of greatness, no matter how small, every day.
    Try it, use a lovely note book, do it before you leave the office. Leave on a positive mental note.

    Hope it helps.

    Hang in there, every mum is winging it, life isn’t perfect but is still worth it.
    Hug little mister tight and ask Mr S for a hug.

    Xx

    12/04/2017 at 9:15 pm
  • Reply Teresa Cowan

    Please be proud of yourself, I love your blogs it’s a bit like a good book which I can’t put down, I can’t wait to read the next chapter you are going to write. You should be proud of yourself. Keep going you have the determination to get there in the end. I have been at SW for many years and there have been lots of times where I have completely lost it. But your positivity will shine through.
    Take care my lovely, enjoy your lovely Son and hold your head up high and don’t get down love Teresa xx

    13/04/2017 at 12:21 am
  • Reply Seaside Sparkles

    This is such an honest and truthful post, thank you for writing and sharing it with us. It seems wrong to offer advice to someone I only know online but you write so well it feels ok too. I’ve been through a lot of fertility treatments and remember how difficult it is to plan day to day let alone any further in the future and yet you can’t put your life in hold and then start to feel overwhelmed and life seems out of your control. If I could offer just one bit of advice it would be to focus on what is the most important thing to you and reading your post it seems like it’s family. Sometimes the other things slot in, eg nourish your body with heathy foods during your treatments, even if you don’t lose weight your body is full of all the nutrients you need, with regards to work during my treatments I plodded along quietly when I returned after adoption leave I was able to negotiate the hours and role i needed. Your blog and twitter are excellent but it needs lots of time are you able to give this at present without pressuring yourself? Write because you love it and I’m sure you’ll keep all your readers with less content. It would just be for a very short time whilst you just get to the place you want to be.
    Take care, it’s a really tough place where you are at present x

    13/04/2017 at 7:36 am
  • Reply Rebecca widnall

    Would writing a schedule help so you have very structured days like the days you work part time you also do blog stuff and the days you don’t work out the home then make them relaxed. Weekly plan your meals and snacks but don’t make it for certain days just do seven days of food and check off what you have had. Most importantly nothing can be achieved when your t rock bottom take time for yourself breath and take everyday as it comes. Life’s shit sometimes however your not alone . I hope your feeling better and more energised soon.

    13/04/2017 at 8:26 am
  • Reply Colette

    I read this whilst we were away and my comment wouldn’t post but I had to come back to it.
    Be brave. Take the next step. Do what makes you happy, even if it seems scary x

    16/04/2017 at 10:03 pm
  • Reply Sadie

    The work/life balance seems to be a bit of a myth, as the goal posts keep on moving. You sound like you have a lot to contend with, and it’s only natural that something should be creaking under the weight. But it shouldn’t be your sense of self or your health that is doing the creaking, so you were right to get this off your chest. You need space to breathe, some wriggle room, and it doesn’t sound as if you have that right now. I hope you find a way to manage priorities which honours the things you hold as important, everyone deserves that. But I think you also need to cut yourself some slack – we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and sometimes you have to allow yourself just to cover the basics and let the over&above stuff slide. Not permanently, but just to be kind to yourself for a while. *hugs*

    17/04/2017 at 7:39 pm
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