I feel I need to write this down. Staying true to what I set my blog up to capture so I make no apology for this rambling explosion. I feel like I’m setting myself up for the biggest fall and I can’t seem to find the brakes. When I wrote back in February that we finally got our fertility appointment through, I was head strong and determined to lose the weight. The same weight that is now inevitably stopping my dreams of a baby completing our family. But I just can’t focus.
I’m tired. I’m so tired of trying to balance my part-time day job with my home life, be the Mummy I want to be to Olly, be the person that my husband fell in love with and keep my blog and freelance work afloat. I don’t think I can’t do it. I feel like I’m at a cross roads of trying to find time to do it all and I’m unhappy trying to find the balance. I’m definitely not one of those bloggers that captures the sweetness and light all the time, this is real life. Real life is difficult with hurdles to cross and challenges along the way.
I need to recognise that enough is enough. I’m usually really positive and find the good in everything, apart from Marmite, that’s just wrong! I have fallen foul of being too nice and being taken for a ride but I need to stand up for myself and turn this around. I’m sabotaging myself. I’m eating rubbish around my meals (which obviously isn’t put on Instagram) as a justification for how I’m feeling. This isn’t me. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror anymore. The spark has gone from my eyes and the dark circles under them are obvious that the elusive work life balance is a myth. I love my freelance and blog work, it’s something that I personally think I’m good at. I really enjoy it and some might say I’m successful at. I really don’t want to ruin what I’ve worked so hard to build up.
I’m not depressed, but I do need some support. I’m stuck in a rut where my heart and my head are pulling me in totally different directions. When I was younger, I was bullied and when I finally had the courage to walk away from the situation I found myself in, I vowed never to allow myself back into a life situation where I was doing things I hated and that made me so unhappy. I’m letting myself down and I need to be strong enough to pull myself out of this. I’m frustrated with myself for sabotaging my own success. This time last year I was slimmer and much more confident. A confidence that seems to have evaporated with my so called sleep!
Turns out when you think someone is holding it all together, they’re not. They’re just masking together the cracks and faking it!
But tomorrow is a new day, a chance to wipe the slate clean and start afresh. A chance to right this path I’m on and stop the sabotage.
P.S I’m okay, I promise!
Edit: I didn’t publish this post last night as my husband was worried I’d worry the socks off some of you who might read this post. I’ve slept on it (hurrah!) and I’m still feeling the same frustrations but slightly more positive about how I’m going to tackle the way forward. Sleep eh? It’s magic!