I am pretty much my own worst enemy. I set really high standards and expectations for myself and for a while now, I’ve not being able to achieve them and it’s incredibly frustrating.
I’m a give it all or nothing kind of girl. I love to put my heart and soul into things I’m passionate about and I give myself grief all the time when I can’t match my own expectations. Life over the last six months has been pretty full on. I’ve struggled with combining life as Mummy, going to work, spending time at home with my husband as well as being a successful blogger and attempting to keep some normal routine in our lives. Add in attempting to lose weight and trying for another baby, unfortunately something has had to give.
I am incredibly frustrated that we haven’t managed to conceive our much wanted second baby yet. Every day I see another friend, another colleague or follower on social media announcing their happy news of the pitter patter of tiny feet, birth announcements popping up here, there and everywhere and whilst I am genuinely happy for each and every one of them, I am so sad it’s not happened for us yet and feel a bit of failure that my body can’t give us what others seem to achieve so easily.
Last month, we decided to remove the pressure of ‘trying’ and I’ve stopped worrying about when my ‘peak week’ in my fertility is. My doctor and subsequent fertility experts have bluntly indicated that I’m too overweight to be referred for support so I know that I need to lose a lot of weight to get any professional help in the future. Another blow to my dropping confidence but madly, not enough to stop me slipping off the Slimming World wagon every so often each week.
I don’t ever want either of my boys to feel that I wasn’t there for them. I’m worried that I’m not spending enough quality time with Olly reading his books, playing together with his toys or watching a film together snuggled up on the sofa. I’m using every bit of spare time to cram in as much as I can, I’m forgetting how to relax. I fall into bed late in the evening (very early morning) and I’m so so tired. I’m tired of the constant treadmill and really need a break but as with all busy parents, there’s always something that needs doing whether it’s the housework, the washing or remembering to order in a food shop as you’re out all day on Sunday and don’t have anything in for work lunches next week.
I am incredibly passionate about my blog. I have worked so hard on it over the last few years and I’m so proud of where it’s got to considering I’ve worked 30+ hours a week in another job whilst doing it. I’m hoping to make more of it in the new year and in turn hoping it’ll mean I can take the pressure off working so many hours and get some time back to concentrate on the things that matter; my boys and my own health.
So I’m hoping to take the pressure off myself and going to be giving myself more of a break. I crave quality time with my family (without having to do it for another reason) and want to enjoy an afternoon in front of the television with a hot chocolate without feeling guilty that I should be doing something else. I’ll still be following Slimming World over the next few weeks but I’m not going to beat myself up for not having a third of my plate full of speed foods with every meal but my face is getting chubbier and I don’t like it, at all.
I need to find a balance before something else gives. It’s all about keeping the plates spinning but with a smile on my face instead of huge bags under my eyes and feeling like I’m not coping very well.