When it’s okay to not be okay..



Every so often, I feel useless. I feel like a rubbish housewife, the house is a mess, there’s clutter on every surface, it’s everywhere. We have boxes from blog samples, craft bits and pieces, things that might come in useful one day littering up the shelves and the cupboards. The house needs some TLC, the walls are tired and the decor needs updating.

The clock appears to be against me. Running out of time to get things done, I’m always rushing to get the chores done so I can spend a precious hour or two with Little Mr before he goes to bed or has a nap. I miss him so much during the week. I miss hearing his new words or seeing him develop a new skill; this week alone he has mastered three new words; cheese, van and lorry. He’s growing up so quick and I’m afraid of missing it all.

I thought I’d ‘got over’ the fact that I have to go to work. I know I have to. We have bills to pay, cars to fuel and food to put in the cupboards. I never realised just how much it would hurt to wave goodbye to my baby in the morning only to snatch a few hours with him late afternoon (usually when he’s at his grumpiest before bedtime). I look at how my (day-to-day) life has taken its own sort of mundane routine and if i’m honest, I’m bored of it. Surely life is more than work, eating and sleeping.

I’m lonely. I miss friendly female interaction. I have lots of friends but no-one close enough to see regularly and to pop in with a bottle of fizz and a DVD. Someone to moan at when my hubby doesn’t pull his weight at home or someone to confide in when everything just seems too much. When you’ve been hurt in the past by someone who you thought was a best friend it’s hard to trust again, but I miss it. I miss being the person someone texts with news or invitations to coffee or a pub lunch.

I’m desperate for my Little Mr to have a best friend. Someone he can confide play with and grow up with. I know his friendships will come in time and I’m confident he’ll make lots of friends, he’s such a happy and caring little boy. After the Summer holidays, I’m  going to look for a playgroup he can go to on my day off so we can both go out and make new friends. We need it.

My body size is getting me down. I hate being big. My confidence is at an all time low and I don’t want this to affect what we do as a family or what I do as a Mama. I’d hate for Little Mr to suffer because of my size. I’ve promised myself I’m going to start a new weightloss class when I get back from our holiday. I need to lose weight. I hate my reflection and I hate the way it makes me feel. I want to wear nice clothes that flatter me and not just cover up the lumps, bumps and rolls.

I appreciate this isn’t probably what readers want to read on my blog but sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. Change is imminent in more ways than one. I’m going to make positive changes and focus on what’s important; me and these three.


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  • Reply Mummy Glitzer 17/07/2014 at 11:03 pm

    Oh Emma, you are right, sometimes it IS okay to not be okay. It’s the reality of life really. I hope you feel better soon. x

  • Reply Susan Mann 17/07/2014 at 11:08 pm

    Aww honey, it is ok to feel that way. It’s hard being at home with a little one. You wouldn’t change it, but it can be hard. Joining groups are great, I hope you find one that fits you both x

    • Reply Emma Shilton 19/07/2014 at 11:53 am

      Thanks Susan, I appreciate your comment. I hope we do too xx

  • Reply Zoe Corkhill (Mama Geek) 18/07/2014 at 1:36 am

    *hugs* I think everyone feels this way sometimes, it can all get a bit too much. Try to take some time for yourself to breathe a bit, and you are always welcome to pop down the motorway a few junctions and visit us sometimes on your day off if you can’t find a playgroup x

    • Reply Emma Shilton 19/07/2014 at 11:53 am

      Thanks Zoe, it was all getting on top of me after a busy few days at work and then the thought of packing for holidays and making sure we don’t forget anything. Yes, that would be lovely, we’d love that thank you xx

  • Reply emily Greentree 18/07/2014 at 6:55 am

    Em, I can relate to this so much. I too don’t have anyone close and would love that sort of friendship. It can be so tough and during the week I feel time whizzes by in a blur. You’re right, it’s ok not to be ok, it’s ok not to be all happy happy joy joy all the time. I know I’m not that close physically but I am going through similar so always happy to chat or just be there on end of phone x

    • Reply Emma Shilton 19/07/2014 at 11:43 am

      Oh Em I’m so sorry you’re going through the same its so hard isn’t it? We definitely need a meet up, i’m sure our two little ones would get on so well. Here if you want a chat too hun xx

  • Reply Lauren (@laurenbigeejit) 18/07/2014 at 9:44 am

    Bless you Em. Always here for you xxx

  • Reply Emma lander 18/07/2014 at 9:46 am

    Oh you poor thing. Believe me we all feel like this at times. I look at it like this- I could go to the gym every night and sit boo in front of the tv while I clean up but that would be even less time I spend with her. Shove mess into cupboards, but some new cushions and get rid of all mirrors and most of all keep that chin up. Look how well your blog is doing look at your son. You do great things focus on them not the negatives. Big hugs xxx

  • Reply Lucy Bishop 18/07/2014 at 10:00 am

    So wish you lived nearer honey! Big bear hugs!! We all hit a wall sometimes, and honestly sometimes it’s absolutely fine not to be okay. The important thing is that you recognise that, and can see what changes you need to make to improve how you feel.

    I feel the same anger about the mummy having to work thing. It is so unfair. I haven’t even finished my maternity leave yet, but I know realistically that I won’t be able to not work for too much longer as we are skint! We’re cutting costs wherever we can, but our savings are dwindling very fast. :-( how I’m going to find something that earns enough to pay childcare (the thought of putting Bert in a nursery or with a childminder makes me feel ill, I honestly don’t think I can do it) or something that works around having Bert at home (does that job even exist?) I just don’t know! It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. :-( life isn’t very fair for women these days we shouldn’t have to do everything!!! X

    • Reply Emma Shilton 19/07/2014 at 10:50 am

      I know Lucy, I need to move or you do ;)

      I wish there was something we could do from home that made life easier for us so we could spend time with our boys. We are hard workers and want to provide for our families as well as enjoying the precious time we have with them.

      Thank you so much for your support Lucy, I really appreciate it xx

  • Reply Pippa Ainsworth 18/07/2014 at 10:03 am

    Oh Emma, It’s absolutely OK to not be OK. You sound like you know what you need to change and how to do so though, so I wish you the very best of luck with it. I hope you find a lovely group where both of you can make some new friends xxx

    • Reply Emma Shilton 19/07/2014 at 10:39 am

      Thanks Pippa, I know what I need to do its just the doing… I can do it, I will, I’ve got to xx

  • Reply Hayley Crompton 18/07/2014 at 10:29 am

    I can relate to so much of what you have written Emma. I think going to a playgroup sounds like a really good idea. I also want to say that I know the last time we saw each other was under very sad circumstances but it was fab to catch up with you and you are a lovely person xxxx

    • Reply Emma Shilton 19/07/2014 at 10:37 am

      Thanks Hayley, I think we need new faces and hopefully new friends so hopefully we’ll be able to make some if they like us.
      Yes, it was. Sorry we met up again under those circumstances and hope you and your lovely little family are all ok xx

  • Reply Sammie Hodges 18/07/2014 at 10:38 am

    Oh Emma, big hugs. You are right though it is ok to sometimes not be ok. I am struggling with keeping on top of things at the moment too. The house looks like a bombs hit it! I work evenings so have the luxury of seeing Millie during the day, and Chester when he is home from School. But I head off to work when I am exhausted and all I really want to do is sit down and chill out! Xxx

    • Reply Emma Shilton 19/07/2014 at 10:34 am

      Oh Sammie, the things we do for our kids. It must be so hard going out to work and leaving them both at home (and your hubby) but I guess we want them to have nice things and treat them so we’ve got to do the things we do xx

  • Reply Lisa H 18/07/2014 at 2:01 pm

    It sounds like your holiday is coming at the perfect time hunny. I hope you go away and relax and come back renewed. It is ok to not be ok, as I know well enough myself xxx

    • Reply Emma Shilton 19/07/2014 at 10:31 am

      Thanks Lisa, the holiday has come at just the right time. Perhaps I was leading up to this and finishing at work for the holidays has just accelerated it all. Lots of change ahead xx

  • Reply Mary @ Over 40 and a Mum to One 18/07/2014 at 10:35 pm

    We all have times like this, when whatever we do isn’t enough, feels wrong and we feel totally inadequate. It’s more than alright to admit it too! Try to think of what you working is giving your kids. I often feel that Monkey is missing out on things because I’m not working and therefore can’t afford holidays and big treats x

    • Reply Emma Shilton 19/07/2014 at 10:12 am

      Thanks for your comment Mary. You’re so right, I need to try and adjust the way I’m thinking and remember what I’m able to provide Little Mr xx

  • Reply Donna 20/07/2014 at 8:29 pm

    It’s definitely ok to not be ok sometimes. I wish I was closer and we could have that fizz and DVD! I really lack that aspect of life too and my time now revolves around the kids on my days off, working, house stuff, food shops and cooking and blogging. There isn’t much else at all! x

  • Reply Rachel - 3yearsandhome 21/07/2014 at 1:46 pm

    Some weeks are just crap. Everything happens all at once … the kids cry, the house is a tip, you don’t sleep properly, work is rubbish … it’s all too much. With just one thing, you can shrug your shoulders and cope but when it’s all together, it’s so hard to see the bright side. I had moments of screaming that it feels like everything is conspiring against me and sucking the life out of me. I feel like I’ve aged ten years in the last two. But then I get an hour’s peace, my highlights done, a cup of tea with my feet up … and I feel like I have the energy to tackle everything again. It will pass but until it does, it’s definitely okay not to feel okay and getting it all out of your system is so healthy xx

    • Reply Emma Shilton 21/07/2014 at 2:26 pm

      Thanks Rachel, I’m usually so good at coping but had a major wobble last week when everything just seemed to be too much. I’m working on changing a few things and I already feel so much better xx

  • Reply Katie @mummydaddyme 21/07/2014 at 2:17 pm

    Oh Emma, I am sorry that you are feeling like this. It is hard sometimes, we all get like this occasionally. I feel so lucky to not have to work and to just do my freelance stuff but then at the same time I miss the adult interaction of going into work- I NEVER thought I would miss that. And then last week, I had post holiday blues and felt really lonely as although on the surface I have friends I can see every day, I miss the interaction of friends who know you inside and out, I don’t have anyone like that round here. I am blabbering but what I am trying to say is that we all go through periods of feeling like we are failing- you are an amazing Mummy to Little Mr that is clear to see, and I hope you are happier soon. Sending you lots of hugs. PS Sorry for the essay. x

    • Reply Emma Shilton 21/07/2014 at 2:39 pm

      Thank you Katie, I feel so better for getting it off my chest and I’m making some changes that are going to make our lives a little easier. I suppose my hubby is my best friend but he’s not very good with the girly stuff (and rightly so, really!) xx

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