Every so often, I feel useless. I feel like a rubbish housewife, the house is a mess, there’s clutter on every surface, it’s everywhere. We have boxes from blog samples, craft bits and pieces, things that might come in useful one day littering up the shelves and the cupboards. The house needs some TLC, the walls are tired and the decor needs updating.
The clock appears to be against me. Running out of time to get things done, I’m always rushing to get the chores done so I can spend a precious hour or two with Little Mr before he goes to bed or has a nap. I miss him so much during the week. I miss hearing his new words or seeing him develop a new skill; this week alone he has mastered three new words; cheese, van and lorry. He’s growing up so quick and I’m afraid of missing it all.
I thought I’d ‘got over’ the fact that I have to go to work. I know I have to. We have bills to pay, cars to fuel and food to put in the cupboards. I never realised just how much it would hurt to wave goodbye to my baby in the morning only to snatch a few hours with him late afternoon (usually when he’s at his grumpiest before bedtime). I look at how my (day-to-day) life has taken its own sort of mundane routine and if i’m honest, I’m bored of it. Surely life is more than work, eating and sleeping.
I’m lonely. I miss friendly female interaction. I have lots of friends but no-one close enough to see regularly and to pop in with a bottle of fizz and a DVD. Someone to moan at when my hubby doesn’t pull his weight at home or someone to confide in when everything just seems too much. When you’ve been hurt in the past by someone who you thought was a best friend it’s hard to trust again, but I miss it. I miss being the person someone texts with news or invitations to coffee or a pub lunch.
I’m desperate for my Little Mr to have a best friend. Someone he can confide play with and grow up with. I know his friendships will come in time and I’m confident he’ll make lots of friends, he’s such a happy and caring little boy. After the Summer holidays, I’m going to look for a playgroup he can go to on my day off so we can both go out and make new friends. We need it.
My body size is getting me down. I hate being big. My confidence is at an all time low and I don’t want this to affect what we do as a family or what I do as a Mama. I’d hate for Little Mr to suffer because of my size. I’ve promised myself I’m going to start a new weightloss class when I get back from our holiday. I need to lose weight. I hate my reflection and I hate the way it makes me feel. I want to wear nice clothes that flatter me and not just cover up the lumps, bumps and rolls.
I appreciate this isn’t probably what readers want to read on my blog but sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. Change is imminent in more ways than one. I’m going to make positive changes and focus on what’s important; me and these three.